


Natsuki Subaru: The Man who never gives up.

by Grandtrydem



Category: Re:ゼロから始める異世界生活 | Re:Zero Starting Life in Another World (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Insanity, Suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-20
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29591067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Grandtrydem/pseuds/Grandtrydem
Summary: Natsuki Subaru has always lived a horrible life. Constantly going through trial and error and Returning by Death over and over to a point that his sanity has been broken. And the best he can do about it is to keep moving forward. But what will happen if the very thing Subaru has been fighting for, had been taken away from him? (Cross-posted from Fanfic.net)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1 - A Start of a new Life.

NATSUKI SUBARU

A Man who does not give up despite the odds.

A Man with a strong will to keep striving to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

A Man with abnormal determination.

A Man who has brought down two of the Great Mabeasts.

Natsuki Subaru is truly a kind, generous and selfless man. He is willingly throwing himself into danger for the sake of others, isn't that delightful? He will keep on throwing himself into danger and risking his life over and over.  
Getting himself killed over and over.  
Returning by Death over and over.

Until the day he broke.

He stood in front of a blue-haired maid. Declaring his desire to run away to Kararagi. He was unable to fight back against the circumstances he was brought against, he thought. He hated himself. He hated every single thing he does. The way he eats. The way he showers. The way he acts. The way he speaks. The way he breaks promises. He hated every single part of himself. Despite the Blue-haired maid's attempt in consoling him and getting him back onto his feet. His self-loathing will remain a problem that will be stuck onto his very soul for years to come. Perhaps forever.

He was able to save the day once more, defeating the White Whale and the Witch's Cult. He was able to take down a Sin Archbishop and was commended for his efforts. But in reality, all he wanted to do was save Emilia. That's right. It was his only worth. His only worth is to protect the people he cares about.  
To save them.  
To cheer them up.  
To do anything for them.  
To give his life away for them over and over.  
That was his only worth. To use his power as a means to protect the Emilia Camp.  
If they can't protect themselves, then he will be the one to protect them. That's his only worth, and that's what he's here for. He knows hell. But despite that, he will keep moving forward. Until his obstacles are out of the way and he can protect the people he cares about.

Everything was great.

The Great Rabbit has been defeated.  
The Bowel Hunter has been defeated.  
Roswaal is no longer an obstacle for now.

He has now moved into a new mansion with the Emilia Camp to enjoy their time together and have all sorts of adventures. It was great! He would always check up on Petra and play with her and the villagers from time to time. Radio Calisthenics has always been the Village's favorite activity. He would also help out Ram in her duties as a maid. Helping her in cleaning the shelves, bath, etc. Anything that is in his ability. He would visit the Blue-haired maid and sit next to her and talk to her about what he did today. And promise her over and over that he will save her. No matter what. He would go on dates with Emilia and grow their bonds with eachother as he begins to take the advance in moving forward with their Relationship.

This was his dream come true.  
Nothing could go wrong.

_Right?_

[Ram: Barusu, I have some unfortunate news to bring to you.]

Subaru looked over to the maid with a puzzled expression, as he took a deep breath and responded

[Subaru: Alright, tell me what is it?]

A moment of silence passed between the two, before the Maid had finally worked up the courage to tell him.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


[Ram: Emilia-sama has…unfortunately died in her sleep.]  
  
  


And that was the beginning of a new life, for Natsuki Subaru.


	2. Chapter 2 - Mystery.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natsuki Subaru had finally woken up from a long sleep, thankfully having no night terrors. But Beatrice was nowhere to be found. What was going to be presented to him for today?

Everyday, Natsuki Subaru would always think back on his first argument with Emilia. He was overly obsessed with her and was incredibly selfish, deciding to do things and saying that it was for her. Even breaking Emilia's promise as if it was nothing to him. He had every right to feel guilty about his actions back then.

He hated that argument as much as he hated himself, that is because something broke in him that day. The day that Emilia had lost trust in him. For Emilia of all people to lose trust in him, that made him feel extremely depressed and guilty about it. Often subjecting himself to harsh punishments because of that.

No matter what he did or what he can do.

Nothing will erase the mistakes he had made.

Nothing.

Even if it's at the cost of one's sanity.

The Sun was rising, as light began making its way through the window and into the room. There, laid down a black-haired man. He goes by the name: "Natsuki Subaru" or so he says. It was a miracle that he had not been subjected to any night terrors this time around.

Subaru began opening his eyes, as he stared at the ceiling. Remaining silent for quite some time before deciding to speak up

[Subaru: I didn't get a nightmare this time around, I guess that explains why Beako's not around.]

He looked around to see that Beatrice, his contracted spirit, was nowhere to be seen. He assumed that it was due to him not having any nightmares, thankfully.

He got off the bed as he started doing a bit of stretching, before a wide smile made its way to his face

[Subaru: Alright! Time to get ready for my date with Emilia-tan!]

He was excited to say the least for his date with Emilia, since she's so busy with her studies he rarely gets the chance to spend time with her. So that's why he tried arranging a perfect time where she can be free to go on a date with her.

He had also wanted to spend more time with Beatrice after the Date with Emilia, continue his parkour training with Garfiel and help out Ram in her maid duties. There was a lot he wanted to do today, and he was about to start it with one of his most exciting activities.

But just as he was going to walk into the bathroom and start showering, he started hearing some commotion outside his room. Subaru looked over to the door with a confused look on his face.

[Subaru: What's going on out there? I hope Garfiel's not wrestling with Otto again. It would've been the third time this week.]

There were many occasions where Subaru would walk into a room to find Garfiel wrestling with Otto, with most of the time Garfiel standing victor. Garfiel calls this "Training" Whilst Otto thinks of it as torture.

He chuckled a bit as he remembered those times, maybe the next time he could join in? But now was not the time, he has to get ready as soon as possible.

[Subaru: I'll check it out later, I have to get ready now!]

He ran into the bathroom as he began showering, despite the Medieval Era this world is in. He still enjoys showering the same way he did in Japan.

Once again, he heard the commotion as he was starting to get annoyed whilst showering. Seriously, were those two still going at it? At least, If that's what it is. If not, It's probably Ram failing at her duties again.

[Subaru: Seriously…I have to tell them to stop or else they might ruin my date with Emilia-tan..]

He finished his shower as he walked out of the bathroom, wearing his tracksuit and getting ready to go out on his long-awaited date with Emilia. He proceeded to walk towards the door, as he opened it. Ready to see whatever was making the noise but what he saw was…

…was not what he expected.

Otto and Garfiel were apparently arguing in the corridor, yelling at eachother and trying to decide on which choice to make is the best. They immediately stopped their arguing when they saw Subaru.

[Otto: O-Oh! Natsuki-san! Good Morning!]

[Subaru: Good Morning Otto, Garfiel, what have you two been doing? I was hearing you two all the way from my room, y'know?]

Otto looked conflicted, as he did not know whether to talk or not. Whilst Garfiel gave Otto a glare before looking back to his Captain.

[Garfiel: G'Mornin' Cap'n! My amazin' self's been wonderin' if we could continue our training?]

Subaru let out a sigh, of course he was going to ask for training. He couldn't decline but at the same time he can't accept it since he still has his date with Emilia waiting for him. He shook his head as he looked up at Garfiel

[Subaru: Sorry Garfiel, I have to go on a date with Emilia-tan. Maybe after we're done.]

Otto's expression had become even more conflicted upon hearing Emilia's Name. As Garfiel looked over to Otto and grabbed his shoulder, before speaking to him.

[Garfiel: Oy, let's take it away from here.]

[Otto: You're…right. We shouldn't trouble Natsuki-san any longer.]

The both agreed as they walked out of sight, leaving a confused Black-haired man behind. He looked around to see if there was anything that was scaring them or something. Ram's most likely the cause.

He decided that he'll try to find out later as he started making his way through the corridor, before a red-haired maid had stood in his way.

[Subaru: Oh, Ram! Good Morning!]

He waved to her with his usual greeting, but…the Red-haired maid only continued to stay silent. Which was starting to concern him. Ram wouldn't usually be this quiet around Subaru, and would usually start hurling insults at him like she always did.

This was when he began to realize that something was off. The Mansion was…quiet. More quiet than it usually is. He knew something must've happened. But whatever it is, he has to find out because the atmosphere in the mansion has become…empty.

He decided to try and ask Ram about it, to see if she knew what was going on or not. He hoped that it wasn't anything too bad.

[Subaru: Ram, the place is pretty quiet today. Is something up?]

The Red-haired maid continued to remain quiet. He let out a sigh, thinking that it isn't going to get anywhere as he started walking past her and on his way to Emilia's room. Ram noticed this and decided to speak up in order to stop him.

[Ram: Barusu, I have some unfortunate news to bring to you.]

Subaru looked over to the maid with a puzzled expression, due to her silence a few seconds ago. But decided to take a deep breath and respond.

[Subaru: Alright, tell me what is it?]

Silence fell beneath the two once more, as Subaru was growing anxious from it. This clearly isn't any normal situation for the Mansion to be this quiet, and for even Ram to hesitate in speaking too. He has to figure out what was wrong. And for that, he waited. Waited until the maid decided to speak.

In which she did, she finally worked up the courage to tell him the unfortunate news.

[Ram: Emilia-sama has…unfortunately died in her sleep.]  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...  
  
...

Silence.

Silence consumed the two standing in front of eachother in the corridor.

Subaru continued to stand there, unable to process what the Red-haired maid had just told him. His mind didn't want to accept it. And so, he…asked once more. Hoping for a reassurance or anything of the sort.

[Subaru: It's…just a joke, right?]

That was all he could say, as anxiety was filling the young man's heart. He hoped. He hoped that the words he had just been told was nothing but a joke. A simple joke. Nothing else.

But his hopes wouldn't last for long, as the Red-haired maid spoke once more. This time, her eyes showing a hint of sadness.

[Ram: I am not joking, Barusu.]

Fear.

That was the only word to describe what Subaru was feeling right now.

He was feeling immense fear, fear unparalleled with any that he has faced until now.

Subaru's eye began twitching, before widening as his face took on an expression of fear. He started to tremble. This wasn't true.

This wasn't right.

Why was Emilia dead? She was just fine yesterday!

What caused this? What let it happen?

**Who** did this?

Why did it have to be her? Why?

Why? Why? Why?

_Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?_

He fell to his knees as he held onto himself, embracing himself in his own warmth. It's the least he could do, as he began to breath heavily. Tears were starting to form in his eyes, as he was shaking intensely.

The Red-haired maid, noticing this. Decided to kneel down infront of him and wrap her arms around him. Wrapping him in an embrace. Ram wouldn't usually do this and constantly hurl insults at the young man, but this time, this time was an exception.

Tears started streaming down the young man's eyes, as he began to cry. Sobbing uncontrollably and crying into Ram's shoulder. The Red-haired maid began to caress his back and hold him in her embrace.

Subaru shouldn't be feeling this way due to his ability of Return by Death and the many experiences he had went through. But he still hasn't ever gotten used to the feeling of death nor the feeling of witnessing the death of his allies.

He wanted to have this moment.

Even if he'll have to Return By Death soon.

The two continued to sit down in the middle of the corridor and hold eachother in an embrace for a while. Before Subaru's crying and uncontrollable sobbing began to stop.

[Ram: Are you feeling better now, Barusu?]

[Subaru: …Yeah.]

[Ram: I wish you wouldn't make me do things which don't fit my character.]

The Red-haired maid let go of the embrace, as she stood up onto her feet. Following up with the young man slowly getting up as well. And rubbing all the tears and snot off his face with his sleeve.

[Subaru: Can you take me to Emilia-tan?]

[Ram: Barusu you shouldn't-]

[Subaru: Please.]

Subaru pleaded with the Red-Haired maid, the last thing he wanted to do before abandoning this loop is to see Emilia's gorgeous and angelic face again. Even if she was dead. It's what he would've wanted the most.

The Red-haired maid did not resist any longer and nodded before walking off, leading Subaru to where Emilia's corpse was. As they both silently walked through the corridor.

Natsuki Subaru had only one thought in his mind, which is to Return by Death and save Emilia from this horrible fate she has met. And prevent the collapse of the Emilia Camp.

It's what he has to do.

He promised to protect her. He promised to save her.

He would be a liar if he wasn't able to save her.

So Subaru once again spoke the words that he had repeated many, many, times.

[Subaru: No matter what…I promise...I'll save you!]

He said with a determined expression on his face, as the two walked through the corridor.


	3. Chapter 3 - Dates.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Subaru and Ram walk together on their way to Emilia's room. She appeared to have died in her sleep, but...it seems as if there's something they aren't able to understand.

There stood two figures in front of Emilia's bed, they appeared to be thinking about something until someone had arrived to disrupt their train of thought. A Knock on the door.

[Ram: Pardon my intrusion.]

The Red-haired maid had entered the room with Natsuki Subaru, as Subaru was presented with a sight that he finds very similar to one of his failed loops in the Sanctuary's second trial. The Similarity had made him feel sick but not as much as he saw who was on the bed.

A Silver-haired half-elf girl laid down on the bed, seemingly in peace and completely lifeless. Her skin was pale and…cold. There was no mistake, Emilia had truly died.

Subaru tightened his face as he tried holding back the emotions he was feeling at the moment to think rationally about the current situation, turning to the two figures that were standing in front of her bed.

[Roswaal: I see you've brought Suuuubaaaruuu-kun for us, Raaaam.]

[Subaru: Roswaal..]

He clenched one of his fists in anger, he still hadn't forgiven him for what he did to the Emilia Camp. Hiring Assassins and sending them to the mansion whilst beginning to make Snow fall on the Sanctuary and lead the Great Rabbit towards them.

He could never forgive that damned clown.

Never.

But he shook his head as he had to put aside his feelings towards Roswaal before looking over to Beatrice who was sitting on a chair next to the Silver-haired half-elf.

[Beatrice: I'm sorry for not telling you sooner, I suppose.]

The Spirit said with sadness in her tone, she did not want to see her contractor sad about the unfortunate death of Emilia. But knew it was inevitable, considering Emilia was his number one in his heart.

She was going to have to comfort him in order to make sure he remains calm. That will be her first priority after their incoming discussion is over.

[Subaru: It's alright, Beako. So why…did Emilia die?]

He patted the Spirit on the head, before turning his gaze back to the Silver-haired half elf on the bed. Thinking about Returning by Death as soon as he figures out the cause of death…Which…

[Beatrice: We don't know what is the cause of death, I suppose.]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


…Was unknown.

Subaru was confused, what did they mean by the cause of death being unknown? They should've known. They should've figured it out. So why didn't they know? He already had a lot of questions in his head upon hearing about Emilia's death. But what Beatrice said had raised more questions in his head.

He was going to have to go with the assumption that it was a curse for now, before Returning by Death and trying to figure out what happened.

But first, he has to understand why they weren't able to figure it out. As he turned to Beatrice.

[Subaru: What do you mean you don't know the cause of death?]

Beatrice remained silent for a bit, unsure of what to tell him as she continued to sit down on the chair. Before deciding to speak up and tell the Black-haired boy.

[Beatrice: It's as I said, In fact. I'm not sure why the half elf had died. Even as the most lovable and intelligent spirit in the camp, I can't seem to find out why, I suppose.]

Subaru took a deep breath, before turning his gaze back to Roswaal. Thinking that he would at least know, considering he's the strongest magician in Lugunica. He probably read a book or something about situations like these.

But unfortunately for him.

[Roswaal: That appeaaaarrrssss to be what I was wondeerriiinnngg~! After all…]

His mocking tone would suddenly come to a stop, as Roswaal's face twisted into one of frustration. Which shocked Subaru as he had not seen the atmosphere around Roswaal change so quickly.

[Roswaal: …With Emilia-sama's death, I cannot pursue my plans any further.]

The Clown clenched his fist out of pure frustration, as he turned to the young man next to him. He considered the idea of forcing Subaru to loop again, before putting aside the thought and deciding on at least knowing what was the last thing she had done. And where she had last went.

[Roswaal: Suuuubaaaruuu-kun~, I'm suuuure you of all people would knoooow what you and Emilia-sama had dooone last night, correct~?]

Subaru stared at the clown, as he began to remember the events of last night. It was just a stroll around the village, nothing special. He would've called it a date but it wasn't just Emilia and him around the time, as Ram and Beatrice were there as well.

[Subaru: Well…If I remember…]

* * *

It was a beautiful night outside, there wasn't anything bothering the Camp nor any bad weather coming to ruin their day. It was the perfect opportunity to take a stroll around the village to embrace the current weather. Subaru had wanted to make it specifically for him and Emilia, but Beatrice's reluctance to come with him along with Ram wanting to guard them had become too much for him. So in the end, all four of them had gone out.

The four were walking back from the stroll to the village, on their way to the mansion as they were satisfied with the stroll.

[Subaru: Whew…I have to say that this would've been a great date with Emilia if you two hadn't gotten in the way.]

Subaru would turn over to Beatrice and Ram, looking at them with an annoyed expression. He wasn't wrong. It was truly the perfect opportunity for a date between the two.

Beatrice huffed and crossed her arms, as she kept walking along with the three of them.

[Beatrice: It's only natural that Betty would go with her contractor, I suppose. What would happen if you were attacked by something more powerful than you, I wonder?]

[Subaru: I get it I get it! But I've got Emilia-tan with me, I'm sure the both of us alone would've been able to handle whatever got in our way!]

Emilia simply giggled at the thought of her fighting alongside Subaru against whatever force would be coming towards them as she spoke up

[Emilia: You're reaaaalllyyyy silly today, aren't you? I don't see anything wrong with Beatrice-sama and Ram coming along.]

[Subaru: Emilia-tan's truly an angel! But…I still won't get over how my perfect opportunity for a date was completely ruined.]

The Red-haired maid had been listening in on everything and had decided to speak up now after walking along with them with her arms crossed.

[Ram: You wanted the both of us to be out of your way just so you could take advantage of Emilia-sama? Disgusting.]

[Subaru: You keep taking it the wrong way!]

[Ram: There is nothing wrong with Ram's claims, maybe you're the wrong one here, Barusu.]

[Subaru: NO! I..Urgh..]

Subaru immediately gave up in trying to reason with the Red-haired maid, as the maid had a smug on her face from her victory. Emilia was laughing at the interaction between the two and Beatrice was…well…Beatrice.

The Group would then enter the mansion, as Ram would depart from the group. Heading to her room to sleep, whilst Beatrice, Subaru and Emilia walked together on the way to their rooms.

[Subaru: Oh! Emilia-tan I have an idea!]

[Emilia: Hmmm? What is it, Subaru?]

Subaru struck a pose as he looked at Emilia with a wide smile on his face, before responding

[Subaru: A Date! Tomorrow! Me and you!]

[Emilia: A Date? Didn't we already have that today?]

[Subaru: That doesn't count as a date!]

[Emilia: Then…what does?]

[Subaru: You see, a date has to be between a guy and a girl only!]

Emilia got in a thinking gesture, as she was thinking of a time where the two of them could have their date. As an idea popped up in her head. She'd look up at Subaru with a smile on her face.

[Emilia: How about tomorrow morning? I'll be free around the time!]

[Subaru: Sounds good!]

[Beatrice: You know…]

Beatrice's eye was twitching in annoyance from the two discussing about their date with her being completely ignored. As she was about to release an outburst towards the two. Subaru, seeing this immediately tried calming down his contracted spirit.

[Subaru: Hold on Beako! I'm sorry for ignoring you! Please forgive me!]

[Beatrice: Hmph! If it's Subaru, then I will forgive you, I suppose.]

They were getting closer to their rooms, as Emilia turned to Subaru putting her hands behind her back as a blush came across her face. Subaru seeing this, was confused about the sudden stop.

[Subaru: Is something wrong Emilia-tan?]

[Emilia: Can…you come closer?]

Subaru obliged, coming closer to the half elf. At least closing a bit of distance between them. Beatrice was watching, making sure they wouldn't pull off any large moves or anything.

Until all of a sudden, Emilia would put her hands on the boy's cheeks and press her lips onto his. Locking him in a kiss.  
Subaru was immediately in shock, not having expected the kiss. Beatrice's eyes widened as her face twisted into one of anger. Emilia kept the kiss going for a while before stepping back.

[Emilia: I'm reaaaalllyy sorry if that made you feel uncomfortable, I wanted to do this to wish you a good night!]

[Subaru: HEART-STRUCK!]

He'd hold onto his chest, as he was pretending to have a heart attack. Beatrice knowing this merely sighed and looked away, not wanting to be annoyed by this any longer. Emilia would put a hand to her mouth and giggle.

[Emilia: I'll see you tomorrow, Subaru.]

Subaru would get back up onto his feet and back into his normal position, as he rubbed the back of his head and chuckled.

[Subaru: I'll see you tomorrow, Emilia-tan!]

[Beatrice: Are you two done making love, I suppose?]

[Subaru: Yeah, we're done.]

Emilia would walk off to her room leaving Subaru and Beatrice behind to walk back to their room together.

[Beatrice: You should pay more attention to your cute spirit, I suppose.]

[Subaru: Will do.]

They would enter their room together and close the door behind them, laying down on the bed together under the cover of the blanket. Slowly dozing off to sleep.

* * *

[Subaru: …And that's about it. There wasn't really any sign to Emilia feeling bad or anything.]

Subaru would look back to the silver-haired half-elf in sadness, as the knowledge of having a kiss right before she died hit him like a truck. Well…probably worse than a truck.

The Magician would be in a thinking gesture, as he also looked back to Emilia's corpse on the bed. Letting out a sigh and crossing his arms together.

[Roswaal: Then it appears you know what to do from here, am I correct? Suuubaaruuuu-kun~?]

[Subaru: …Yeah. I know.]

The Discussion was now over. Roswaal remained with the dead silver-haired half-elf, sitting next to her on a chair whilst Subaru and Beatrice walked out of the room and on their way to Subaru's room.

Subaru sighed, knowing that he'd have to tell Beatrice to leave him alone so he could Return by Death. He turned to his contracted spirit and looked at her straight in the eyes.

[Subaru: Hey…Beako. I'd appreciate it if you gave me some alone time.]

Beatrice rose an eyebrow, as she shook her head. Declining his request to be left alone. As she was already worried about what would happen from the sight of Emilia's corpse. She had to stay with him at all costs.

[Beatrice: I can't do that, I suppose.]

Seeing this coming, he decided that he had to come up with a different response.

[Subaru: I get it, you're worried about me, Beako. But please, I really need some alone time right now.]

[Beatrice: Do you take me for a fool, I wonder? Betty wouldn't be able to forgive herself if she left you alone suffering, I suppose.]

Subaru began to get annoyed, as he tried holding back his emotions.

[Subaru: Beako, pleas-]

The Spirit would then begin approaching Subaru before lowering him down to her and wrapping her arms around him, holding him in an embrace. She smiled a little as she loved hugging her Contractor like this.

[Beatrice: You don't have to be sad anymore, I suppose. Betty will help you in carrying this burden.]

Unable to hold back his emotions any longer, tears started streaming down his face again. As he was looking down, unable to look at the spirit. Again, despite this being a world that he'll abandon soon to save Emilia. He still felt horrible.

And so, he began crying uncontrollably against Beatrice's chest. While the spirit was holding him close and petting his head, making sure to comfort him as much as she could.

They'd continue to be in that position, before Subaru got up moments after to walk to his room with Beatrice.

It was now midnight, Garfiel and Otto had avoided Subaru to give him the time he needed. "Thank god", he thought. Now he was sitting on his bed, behind him was his contracted spirit sleeping peacefully.

Subaru looked over to the spirit with a smile, before looking back to what he was holding in his hand.  
  
He was holding a knife. A Normal kitchen knife.

Holding a knife close to him like this gave him a sense of Déjà vu, this was the same way he held his knife when he tried saving Rem.

Subaru would then aim the knife towards his neck.

[Subaru: Sorry, Beako. But I have to save Emilia.]

He was about to plunge the knife into his neck, until he heard a voice behind him. Which caused his eyes to widen as he turned around…to find his contracted spirit awakened from the noise.

The Spirit would then look over to Subaru, and notice the position he was in with the knife. As her eyes had widened in shock from what was being presented to her.

[Beatrice: What…are you doing, I suppose?]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


…Shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Figured i'd crosspost this from Fanfic.net to this site since it's gaining all the attention these days. I figured that i should tell you now that i've been starting to feel better, and should be able to work on the next chapter sooner or later. Toodles~!


	4. Chapter 4 - Definition of Insanity.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Beatrice had finally caught Subaru red-handed with the knife, how will Subaru react to this difficult situation he found himself in? And how will he save Emilia from the horrible fate that awaits her?

"What…are you doing, I suppose?"

Natsuki Subaru had always been hiding his problems from others. Even if he was unable to talk about Return by Death, there was still his mental disorders to be concerned about. However, he chose not to concern them about it.

He always tries to hide his own problems, and resolve them on his own.

The Pain that arises from his memories, his past deaths and the many loops he had gone through. The interactions that had been erased through death. And the life-or-death situations he was forced through.

It had always haunted him.

The Past always comes to haunt him.

He can't escape from it, no matter how much he tries.

That is his fate. And he has to accept it. Which is why, he already did. No matter what kinds of nightmares come for him, no matter what kinds of horrible situations he goes through. And…no matter how many deaths he goes through.

**He won't care.**

Subaru does not care for himself anymore.

In fact, he hates himself more than anything else in the world. More than Julius. More than Betelguese. More than Satella.

He is the one person he can't forgive. He won't ever forgive himself for the sins he had committed.

It doesn't matter if they are lost timelines, or…worlds. He has still done actions that he regrets heavily. And wishes he could go back and prevent himself from ever taking such actions. He wishes that he could go back and punch himself in the face, to prevent himself from taking these actions.

Natsuki Subaru is a horrible, pitiful and disgusting man. Yet…he never gives up.

No matter how horrible the situation is, or how stressful it is. He refuses to give up. He keeps moving forward, trying to find any solution to save the people he cares about. And it costed his sanity.

_**"I just have to start over from Zero, right, Rem?"** _

Is what he keeps repeating to himself, every time he looks at Rem in her unconscious state.

He keeps being reminded of his biggest mistake of all, letting Rem fall into the state she's currently in.

She won't wake up.

Nobody remembers her.

He's the only one who remembers. No one else.

It pains him to be the only one to remember. All the times he spent with her, the battle against the Mabeasts. The work in the mansion they spent together. The battle against the White Whale.

All of that. Erased.

He could never forgive himself for letting such a mistake occur. He'll do whatever he can to bring back Rem. He'll save her. No matter the cost. No matter how many deaths. No matter how much he loses himself.

All his progress. All his training. Everything he did.

Was all to save Rem.

But the situation right now was…quite difficult for Subaru. Beatrice had just caught him red-handed with the knife. Perhaps he should've thought it over. Perhaps he should've thought about doing it in a different location.

Now he's going to have a bit of trouble in Returning by Death.

[Beatrice: Tell me right now, I suppose! What are you doing?!]

Beatrice yelled out in anger, her Contractor was in such a dangerous position with a knife. This spells out "Suicide" in the most obvious way. Yet, she wanted to deny it with all of her heart.

[Subaru: I'm not doing anything! Beako!]

He immediately put the knife onto the table, as he got up onto his feet. Turning to the Spirit behind him. He began sweating as this was a situation he never wanted to find himself in.

[Beatrice: Do you take me for a fool, I wonder?! I saw how you were holding that knife, In fact!]

The Spirit yelled back, still being in anger from her Contractor's attempt at Suicide.

[Subaru: I wasn't trying anything! I swear!]

Subaru stepped back and found his back against the wall, continuing to stare at the Spirit and starting to panic.

[Beatrice: Don't you lie to me! You tried running away from Betty, weren't you?! You tried to leave Betty behind, weren't you?!]

Beatrice yelled at Subaru, whilst tears were beginning to form in her eyes.

_"I've really done it now…"_ Subaru thought to himself, as he regretted the decision to try returning by death in his room. With a spirit next to him.

[Beatrice: Tell me! Were you trying to leave Betty behind, I suppose?!]

Subaru hesitated in answering her, as he looked down. Being unable to look at his contracted Spirit in the eye. He had put an idea into consideration.

_"I…have to take the knife and get away from here. I have to save Emilia before it's too late."_ He thought, as there was a burning flame in his eyes. Slowly looking up at Beatrice.

[Subaru: Sorry, Beako, but I have to do this otherwise I won't be able to save Emilia-tan.]

He immediately bolted out of the room. And so, he ran. He ran as far away as he could. He ran as fast as he could. Away from the Spirit. Away from the Maids. And away from everybody he knew.

Beatrice, seeing this tried running after him but to no avail she couldn't reach him. He had ran out of the mansion and was heading towards the woods. Where nobody would see him.

This reminded him of the fourth failed loop in the mansion. Where Rem succumbed to her death and Ram had tried to kill Subaru. And ran as far away as he could from the maid…only to soon meet his own doom at the end of a cliff.

Around that time, he killed himself in order to save Rem. This time, he'll save Emilia. No matter what. Nobody and Nothing will stop him.

He ran further and further into the woods, before looking around and finding nobody around. It should be safe for him for now, he thought.

[Subaru: Jeez…I could've taken the knife but I guess it's too late now..]

The Black-haired boy rubbed the back of his head before he let out a sigh and sat down against a tree.

[Subaru: Alright…Here I go. I'm coming for you, Emilia.]

Subaru would open his mouth and take out his tongue, only to then chomp on it as hard as he could. The taste of blood was beginning to flow through him as his tongue was bitten off.

And now, the Black-haired boy stood against the tree. Waiting to die. Waiting to Return by Death. For this was something that he must do.

Just as consciousness was fading away from him, he was able to catch a glimpse of a crying spirit running towards him. But it was far too late. Darkness flooded the Young man's sight and Death had embraced him once more.

Subaru knew this feeling more than anybody else. It meant that he successfully died and is yet to Return by Death.

And now, he waits.

And waits…

Until the time to save Emilia would arrive.

* * *

Subaru's eyes were suddenly wide-open as he stopped in his tracks. Panting. He looked around him to Identify where he was at the moment.

[Emilia: Subaru? Is something wrong?]

Good. She was alive. And this was the night before she died.

This was a huge relief for Natsuki Subaru, It meant the checkpoint wasn't after her death and it wasn't too late now. He just has to figure out what's going to kill her and keep her alive.

His first objective is to keep Ram and the others out of trouble.

[Subaru: I'm fine, everything's fine…Just spaced out is all.]

[Emilia: Jeez, you shouldn't space out like that. You know?]

Emilia let out a sigh of relief knowing that Subaru was at least fine, she then walked over to him to at least check if he has a fever or anything of the sort. Only then to be stopped.

[Subaru: Hold on Emilia-tan! I'm fine! But…I do have a request for Ram and Beako here.]

He took out his hands, stopping Emilia. As he turned to his contracted spirit and the Red-haired Maid.

[Ram: I won't follow your orders, Barusu.]

Ram huffed as she crossed her arms, looking at Subaru with a look of disgust as usual.

[Beatrice: What do you need of Betty, I suppose?]

Beatrice rose an eyebrow over the sudden request but was ready to accept any request coming her way.

[Subaru: It's really important. So I need you two to listen closely.]

The Two would immediately notice the tone Subaru was using and decided to listen in on what he requested of them.

Ram had always known about his abnormal timing, which is why she takes requests from Subaru so seriously. It always meant that something was going to happen. So she tensed up, being ready for what might happen.

[Subaru: Could you two guard the mansion? Keep an eye out for anything that might be coming our way?]

Subaru put his hands together as he pleaded the two.

The Two looked at eachother for a moment, before coming to a decision and nodding. Looking back to Subaru.

[Ram: Alright, Barusu. You better tell us what's happening later.]

[Beatrice: I'll accept your request, I suppose.]

They would then walk away to the mansion, leaving the Silver haired half-elf girl behind with the Black-haired boy.

[Emilia: Is something wrong, Subaru?]

Subaru looked over to Emilia, as he smiled at her.

[Subaru: Nothing's wrong, I just need you to stay with me.]

He grabbed her by the arm and walked off into the woods, getting in a good safe spot.

[Emilia: Um…I reaalllyy don't get what's going on but. If anything happens to you, I'll protect you.]

Hearing this, Subaru immediately blushed. As he scratched the back of his head in embarrassment

[Subaru: Emilia-tan is truly an angel! But…I appreciate the help. I want to protect you too, Emilia.]

The Silver-haired half elf simply put a hand to her mouth and giggled. She then looked up at Subaru and smiled.

[Emilia: You're really silly Subaru, you know that?]

Subaru looked down, remembering her saying the same thing on his last loop. Before looking back up at Emilia and giving her a weak smile

[Subaru: Yeah…I know.]

The two continued to sit down in the forest, Emilia was humming and talking to the Spirits whilst Subaru was thinking about what would happen. Would Emilia's attacker show up now? Would she start dying right then and there in front him? Will…a curse affect her?

Subaru had many questions, all of them about to be answered through time. And so, he waited. He waited in silence. Waited for Emilia's incoming death. Waited for Emilia to be protected. Waited for whatever outcome was approaching them. He was ready to accept it and take action as soon as possible.

It was beginning to turn late, yet the two remained silent.

…Until the Silver-haired Half-elf broke the silence with a yawn before crawling over to Subaru.

[Emilia: I'm reaaally tired, Is it okay if I sleep next to you?]

She said with an innocent tone as she continued crawling towards Subaru.

The Black haired boy chuckled at the sight of the half elf crawling towards him in that way. He also felt proud at the same time, the lady he had been working so hard to get her to love him has finally started advancing forward with their relationship.

However…  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


In the darkness of the forest.  
  
  


In the silence of the forest.  
  
  


In the seemingly empty area of the woods.  
  
  


There were many red eyes looking towards the two.  
  
  


Subaru slowly looked over to the eyes, as he noticed them. They were familiar. These were…the same eyes of those Mabeasts he fought in the forest. What were they doing here? He was sure this place was clear of Mabeasts!

More importantly…with Emilia in this state…

The Ulgarm immediately jumped out of the forest and…

Utterly attacked the defenseless Half-elf.

The Black Haired boy simply watched, as the girl he loved was attacked by Ulgarm and torn to pieces.  
  
  


Her body.  
  
  


Her hair.  
  
  


Her limbs.  
  
  


Every single part of her body was being torn apart by the Ulgarm.  
  


They were eating her.  
  


They were eating her.  
  


Why were they eating her? Why weren't they eating him?  
  


_**Why?  
  
** _

Subaru immediately screamed as he saw the Ulgarm tearing her apart. Gathering the attention of most of them. This was bad. He was going to be next.

Emilia was already dead, there's no doubt about it. There was too much blood coming out and her body…her body was a complete mess. Completely beyond repair. Subaru felt extremely sick looking at the body. He was going to puke. _He wanted to puke._

…It only took a few seconds before it registered to Subaru that he was already puking onto the ground, his eyes being completely in horror from what he had just witnessed.

The Ulgarm were coming towards him. He was next.

This was the end for him, he can't do anything. He couldn't protect Emilia.

But…He will try again. He will try saving Emilia next time.

And before he knew it, the Ulgarm had already pounced onto Subaru and began tearing him apart. He felt his arms being torn off his body and his jaw being dislocated. He was losing a lot of blood. His guts were spilling out. He was dying. He was dying.

But does it matter? Does it matter if he's dying? He'll simply Return by Death and fix everything. That's all there is to it.

And so, the Darkness of death floods Subaru's vision as he found himself waking up at the same spot he was in the previous loop.

* * *

Subaru was taking deep breaths, before running over to a tree and puking onto it. Still remembering the sight of Emilia's disgusting and destroyed corpse. It was going to be a mental image that'll stick with him for years to come.

The Group of Girls that had been with Subaru immediately noticed this and ran over worryingly to the Black Haired boy.

They were calling out for him. Being worried about him. And asking what was wrong. But Subaru could hear none of their voices. His ears were ringing, his eyes were twitching. And the fear…the fear of the Unknown haunted him.

Why did Emilia die again?

Was it truly the curse that killed her?

Then again, Beatrice and Roswaal did say that they had no idea how Emilia had died. If it was a curse, surely they would've known. But they didn't.

He settled it, it was the Ulgarm that was the main problem. He has to keep Emilia as far away from them as possible and it'll be alright. That's all he has to do.

He just has to protect Emilia. Protect Emilia. He must protect Emilia.

It's his job as a knight, he must follow the job accordingly.

His body was shaking…No. Somebody was shaking it. It was then he realized that he had been spaced out for some time now, Beatrice was shaking him to knock him back into his senses.

[Beatrice: Wake up already, I suppose!]

[Subaru: I'm awake! I'm awake!]

Beatrice huffed and stepped back, looking at her Contractor with an angry expression on her face. As if she wanted to hear something from him.

Subaru had no idea what she wanted, so he scratched his cheek before asking

[Subaru: Um…Is there anything you need?]

The Spirit's face became even more angered, as she decided to speak up to clear the Black Haired boy's confusion.

[Beatrice: You're not going to apologize to Betty for spacing out like that, I wonder?]

The Black Haired boy immediately realized and shook his hands as he tried apologizing to the Spirit.

[Subaru: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to space out like that! It just…happened randomly.]

[Beatrice: Hmph! Pay more attention to Betty next time and maybe she'll consider forgiving you, I suppose.]

She turned away as she continued walking on her way to the Mansion with the Others. Ram walked along with Beatrice and Emilia stayed with Subaru.

[Emilia: Are you alright, Subaru?]

She reached out her hand to help him up, which he gladly accepted and got back up onto his feet. Giving Emilia a smile despite the state he was currently in.

[Subaru: Yeah, I'm fine. Let's go.]

And the events afterwards played out the exact same way as they did in the original loop, they had reached the mansion. Ram departed from the group. And Beatrice, Emilia and Subaru were on their way to their rooms. Having the same conversation as before.

Everything was going exactly the same, except Subaru decided to do something different this time around.

[Subaru: Emilia, is it alright if I sleep with you today?]

Emilia, being the innocent gal she is, immediately nodded and gave Subaru a reassuring smile.

[Emilia: Sure, I don't mind.]

Beatrice was baffled by how quickly Emilia agreed to this and how Subaru asked if he could sleep with her out of nowhere.

[Beatrice: Betty can't afford to be ignored here, I suppose.]

She was also starting to get annoyed by how much she was ignored. Subaru and Emilia noticed this and tried reassuring the Spirit that they weren't going to do anything necessarily bad.

[Subaru: Hold on Hold on Beako! I swear on my word I'm not going to do anything bad to my precious Emilia-tan!]

[Beatrice: With the way you said it, do you think I will believe that so easily, I wonder?]

The Spirit was still annoyed by how she was constantly left out. But could understand why her Contractor would want to spend time with the half elf.

[Subaru: I know you won't believe me but, I really want to make sure Emilia-tan's safe. I'm her knight after all, you know?]

Beatrice stared at Subaru for a moment, before letting out a sigh of defeat and taking off towards their room.

[Beatrice: I suppose Betty will let it pass, but only this once!]

Subaru watched the Spirit walk away before turning to the Silver Haired half elf, striking a pose.

[Subaru: And this is yet another victory for Natsuki Subaru! Are you ready to begin our special sleepover, Emilia-tan?]

Emilia was confused, she didn't know what the word meant so she raised up a finger and asked.

[Emilia: Subaru…What's a 'sleepover'?]

The Black Haired boy sighed and grabbed Emilia by the arm before walking towards her room, not wanting to waste anymore time. To ensure that she's safe at the very least.

[Subaru: I'll tell you later, let's get to your room first.]

The both of them walked into Emilia's room, as they both sat down on the bed. Not being used to this situation as the both of them didn't know what to say to one another.

Although, Subaru thought that for sure, he had secured Emilia. No Mabeast should be coming after her, and no curse should be coming to kill her. Her life was safe. As long as he kept an eye on her.

Everything was going well.

He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. He just needs to keep her close to him. He just needs to keep her safe. _He just needed to keep her close to hi-_

"Subaru?" A Voice rang out in the room, as Subaru looked over to the source of it.

It was Emilia, she noticed how Subaru had spaced out and had gotten worried. Great, he never ceases to keep worrying people. It's the one thing he has to improve on. If he keeps worrying people, It won't end up good for them.

[Subaru: I'm fine, Emilia. Is there anything you wanted to sa-]  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Huh?  
  


What just happened?  
  


Why is…blood flowing from Emilia's mouth?  
  


Why is she dying?  
  


Subaru had so many questions, as he was greeted with the sight of Emilia falling to the ground with blood pouring out of her mouth. Blood beginning to pool under her body.  
  


The Black Haired boy slowly crawled over to the body, and held onto it. Just…how many times? _How many times must he be reminded of his mistakes?_

This was the same way Emilia had died.

It was far too familiar to how that failed loop had went. So much so that it made Subaru sick. But nothing could compare to the most horrifying feeling he was experiencing right now.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Despair.**

All that Natsuki Subaru could do now, was hold onto Emilia's corpse hopelessly before letting out a blood-curdling scream.  
  


_**AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH  
  
** _

The Scream echoed through the mansion. Surely at this point anybody who was asleep would've been awakened by it.

But Subaru already had his mind set on Returning by Death.

* * *

And continuing from there, Natsuki Subaru will keep Returning by Death and trying to save Emilia over and over again.

However, Emilia kept dying.

No matter how much he tried protecting her, saving her, trying every method in the book.

She kept dying.

She was burned alive. Stabbed to death. Torn apart. Eaten alive. Killed. Cursed. Poisoned.

Even if nothing came to kill her…Even if Subaru did his very best to ensure that she was completely fine. She would keep dying.

Over…And over…and over…AND OVER…AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER ANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVER _ANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVER_ _ **ANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVERANDOVER**_

There was nothing he could do to stop her from dying.

It's as if Fate itself had decided that she must die.

_"And before I realized it."_

A Voice echoed through all the deaths, the corpses and the retries.

There, stood a corpse in front of Natsuki Subaru. However…things were different this time around.

_"I already…"_

The Voice spoke once more, as Subaru stared at the corpse that he had seen through hundreds and hundreds of Loops.

Losing himself more and more through each loop.

Becoming more and more insane.

More and More desperate.

Before slowly looking over at his hands.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


_"…killed Emilia."  
  
_   
_**  
Natsuki Subaru's hands were dyed by the blood of the one he loved.** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally released Chapter four after several delays and "Not Responding" Periods, not as long as i expected it to be but decent enough  
> My main inspiration for the Chapter had been Einstein's Definition of Insanity which was: "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."  
> Hence, the Chapter's name.


End file.
